What’s In a Name?

I’m back, bitches!

I moved into my Chicago apartment on LaSalle Drive and am happy as a clam. I opened my mail box for the first time this week and received three pieces of mail. The first was a bill, of course. The second and third were cards. One a belated “wedding card” (whatever) and the other a holiday card. The two cards were addressed to Mr. & Mrs. X. They were from two of my husband’s relatives (my family knows better). I wish I could blame this on the fact that these relatives are of an older generation of people who don’t get that many women keep their names now. However, they are more indicative of the status quo than we would like to believe. I recently read a survey that said 70% of Americans believe women should change their names when they marry. A whopping 50% said that it should be required by law. When I showed my husband the cards he sighed and told me that when he saw these relatives at Thanksgiving, he told them that I did not change my name when we married.

Now some may think this is not a big deal but I do. It’s one in a series of assumptions that people have been making since I got married. They think that I will change my mind about not wanting children now that I am married. They think that I will “settle down” now that I am married, whatever that means. They assume that I cook for my husband. His mother has asked him more than once whether I cook for him and my mother even suggested that I do as a way to get him to eat healthier. My husband is a grown man. He is capable of taking care of himself and whether or not he is eating healthy is his responsibility, not mine. Besides, I only enjoy cooking for one. Cooking for more than one person takes too long and is too big of a time commitment. Call me selfish. Fine. Furthermore, my husband and I are two separate people. We do not like the same food. I don’t enjoy meat very much – he loves meat. I like various herbs and spices that he hates. We both do our own grocery shopping and cook our own food. I am not his mother. He is an adult. He was making his own food before I came along – why do people think this would change just because we are married?

So what’s in a name? A lot. This female name-change crap is a loaded issue. It is a representation of the NEW person that you are supposed to become when you marry. The assumption that I should now be known as Mrs. X is the Marriage Cult saying: “You’re doing it wrong.” Singlism is also part of the Marriage Cult. You are berated and pitied for being single, but when you do marry, the Cult shames or annoys you into silently acquiescing to a Stepford-esque marital persona that is designed to make everyone else comfortable, despite the fact that it is the furthest thing from an authentic version of you. There are things you are expected to do, wear, feel, think and buy in order for the community to feel that you are a real married couple.

To the above I respond: The Marriage Cult can kiss my Name-Keeping ass!

Too Busy to Blog

I will not be posting much on this blog over the next few weeks. I am trying to focus on my weight loss blog and am also in the process of writing a book. The book is on an entirely different subject matter, but I am spread too thin these days…between two blogs, full time work, and a book in the works, something has got to give!

I am trying to decide whether I want to discontinue this blog completely. It seems odd to keep writing it now that I am not longer single in the legal sense. But for now I am just taking a break…Be well.

Wife is the Word…It’s Got Groove, It’s Got Meaning

My husband was admitted to the hospital Thursday night with chest pains. I dropped him off at the entrance to the emergency room and he was sent to triage where they took his vitals. I parked the car and ran into the ER to find him and make sure he was alright.

I uttered this declaration to the triage nurse: “I’m his wife.“ And just like that, I was allowed to go back and be with him throughout the entire process, save for the ex-rays and ultrasounds. I was also able to fill out his insurance information for him while he was examined, which I would not have been able to do if we were not married. He’s fine, thank goodness. They think it was probably a esophageal spasm, which can sometimes mimic the symptoms of a heart attack. Whew!

Now I am sure that there are hospitals that let girlfriends or domestic partners have the same privileges as married couples. But if they did not, a person would have no legal ground to stand on to force them to do otherwise absent a law giving a person the right to be with their partner in a medical emergency.  My point is simple: In a hospital emergency, there are only 4 words that mean anything: spouse, parent, child, or sibling. Other than adoption, marriage is the only way to create a “next-of-kin” relationship with someone that is not a blood relative. Unfortunately we have not yet reached the Promised Land where all couples have equal rights – I hope we get there someday soon.

Rate Your State Part 11: The Empire State

Ah…New York. I went to college there and lived there for 4 years after, in the city so nice they named it twice! The State of New York has an interesting history. It was originally established as a Dutch trading post. The English took it over after the Second Anglo-Dutch War in 1667. It’s Dutch origins is why most of the oldest blue blood families of New York were Dutch: The Roosevelts, The Vanderbilts, the Dykemans, etc…Harlem was named after the city of Haarlem in the Netherlands and was a small agricultural town in the 1760s. Remember that for a long time, New York’s heavily populated areas really extended only as far at about 23rd Street. Prior to the late 1800s, development further north included Central Park, built in the 1850s or so and large mansions and brownstones where the wealthy lived.

Anyhoo, New York recognizes gay marriages from other states, and sometimes the family court has recognized domestic partnerships for both gay and straight couples when dividing assets after a relationship’s conclusion. However, unmarried folks, you need a will because “life partner” doesn’t mean shit if your beloved dies with no will.

It’s a cryin’ shame. In this case instead of I Heart NY, I would have to say: “Unmarried? Wanna inherit your partner’s goods without a will? Fuhgeddaboutit!”

Our Lost Lion of the Senate

I know this really doesn’t have anything to do with the subject matter of this blog, but I thought it deserved mention. What can I say about the death of Senator Edward Kennedy?  A punk-ass rich kid who, somewhere along the way, decided to grow up and became the tour de force of the American Left. Great man. Great statesman. For videos of some of his best speeches, check out this HuffPo link.

Matrimania Gone Wild: Facebook and Random Baby Edition

I got married on Friday. The entire deal cost about $380, including the dinner, the cost of a new shirt and pair of jeans for me (yes we got married in jeans), and what it cost to pay our wedding official. The next day we woke up and did what we usually do on Saturday. We got up, ate breakfast, got dressed and prepared to start our day. We also both checked our e-mail and Facebook pages, as we do everyday, where we both updated our relationship status. Within moments our Facebook pages started blowing up with some of the most obnoxious, yet well-meaning congratulatory well wishes. Now, the people who know us well were cool. They knew that we are two of the biggest critics of marriage but that we had our reasons why getting married was the best option for us; one was a romantic reason,  the others were practical reasons.  But everyone else peppered us with questions and comments like:

“Why are you on Facebook on your Honeymoon!!!” (emphasis mine)

“Congratulations Mrs. X !” Not having bothered to ask whether I am keeping my birth name, which I am. We also received a piece of mail addressed to Mr. and Mrs. X, which pissed me off to no end.

When we arrived at my sister’s home to see my parents again before they went back to California, I was asked by my mother “So, how is the new apartment?” She knows very well that I have lived there for 2 weeks. The apartment was the same as it was 2 weeks ago when I moved in and the same as it has been every time I have stayed overnight. My husband has lived in this apartment for almost a year!

Then, some friends of my sister’s who recently had a baby came over. They are great people and I like them a lot but my mother went absolutely gaga over their kid. She was shoving the kid in both our faces expecting us to react to it in that insane way people react to babies, which he and I don’t do. Again, my mother knows full well that my husband and I have no interest in having children and do not particularly like spending time with them either. I think she thought “Well they are married now, maybe they feel differently…” Well let me be clear to everyone:

Fuck. No.

I feel exactly the same way about everything as I felt before I said “I do”.

This morning over breakfast, we were discussing how crazy people were acting. We couldn’t figure out why, because nothing about our relationship has really changed. Then it hit me. Something really BIG has changed: How other people view our relationship is what has changed. We have a status in our community that comes with certain ridiculous expectations that are completely inconsistent with both of our personalities. But people expect your personalities to change to accommodate these expectations. Let me say it again: Fuck. No. Most people have bought into this bullshit line that marriage is transformative and changes you into a different person. Well it doesn’t and it hasn’t.

And I’ll tell you this: These bullshit reactions from my mother and some of our Facebook friends is the one thing that kept this weekend from being perfect.

These people need to calm the fuck down.

Rate Your State Part 10: The Old Dominion

Virginia sucks. I mean it really sucks. I should know, I live in Virginia. The reasons why it sucks are many: not even Democrats like taxes here so the roads and highways are horribly maintained and the highway signs are confusing, the people in the Northern part of the Commonwealth, particularly Fairfax County (where I live), are terribly rude and snobby, and the politics are terrible. Most of the tax revenue comes from the North, but the social politics of the southern portion of the state can often rule in statewide elections. Furthermore, as the capital of Virginia is the former capital of the Confederate States of America, every major (and minor) road and highway is named after a Confederate General or segregationist politician. The earliest highway, Highway #1, is know as “Jefferson Davis Highway”. Being a person of color (that color being black), this offends me a bit. More Civil War battles were fought in Virginia than anywhere else, so in addition to having drive on Jeff Davis Highway, there is a battlefield monument every few miles. I used to work in an office that was right next to the Bull Run Battlefield. Yuck!

It is the state in which are most favored Founders were from: Washington, Jefferson, and Madison. The Commonwealth of Virginia ratified the constitution on June 25, 1788. In 2006, Virginia passed an amendment to the state’s constitution in order to “protect” marriage. Sigh. It states that:

“That only a union between one man and one woman may be a marriage valid in or recognized by this Commonwealth and its political subdivisions. This Commonwealth and its political subdivisions shall not create or recognize a legal status for relationships of unmarried individuals that intends to approximate the design, qualities, significance, or effects of marriage. Nor shall this Commonwealth or its political subdivisions create or recognize another union, partnership, or other legal status to which is assigned the rights, benefits, obligations, qualities, or effects of marriage.”

Double Sigh. So needless to say, unmarried couples, gay or straight, are summarily fucked by the Commonwealth of Virginia. Do Not Pass Go. Do Not Collect $200. Just go home and cry in your unenforceable unmarried cohabitation agreement you unmarried loser. I think Virginia deserves a negative score. The Unmarried Estate Blog is hereby introducing a negative scoring system: The Fuck You!

Virginia’s Score: 5 Fuck Yous!

Fuck You!

Fuck You!

Fuck You!

Fuck You! and

Fuck You!

Grrrrrrr….

The Cult of Couplehood: Movie Theater Edition

I moved in with my partner on Saturday. Last night he and I were sitting watching a Cubs game and I decided that I wanted to see a movie. I wanted to see Julie & Julia before I started a weight loss program today, because I read that the film is like food porn and didn’t want to watch it when I had to be eating salad and fresh fruit all day.

The fiance wasn’t really in the mood and wanted to stay and watch the game, so I went by myself. By the way, it was food porn!

The point is, I called someone on the way home and told them I just came out of a movie and her first question was: “Who did you go with?” No questions about the movie at all. I go to movies by myself all the time. Apparently this is a weird thing to do for many people…

Solo Movie Watching is on my list of single habits to keep after you couple up – anyone have any other suggestions?

Wisconsin’s New Domestic Partnership Law

This law took effect August 3, 2009. It allows inheritance rights if one partner dies without a will, family medical leave, and hospital visitation rights, among other things. However, to register as a domestic partner in Wisconsin you must: Be 18 years of age, have shared a common residence for at least 30 days, not be nearer next of kin than second cousins, not be married or in another domestic partnership, and be a member of the same sex.

So once again, we have another domestic partnership law that does not include opposite sex unmarried couples! First, it is discriminatory and second, doesn’t it help destroy the “it’s just a stepping stone to gay marriage” argument that the Christian Right has when you open it up to opposite sex couples?

Sigh.

Rate Your State Part 9: New Hampshire

“Live Free or Die”

New Hampshire is the only state I know whose motto sounds like the title of a Bond film. You can just imagine some svelte young woman on the tarmac in Manchester (their largest city), turning to Daniel Craig and purring “Welcome to New Hampshire, Mr. Bond.”

OK, maybe it’s not that glamorous. But the Granite State is the home of a very important presidential primary, has no sales or income tax, and gave us both Robert Frost and Dan Brown.

Although, for a state that has the word “Free” in its motto, the freedom to form the relationship of your desire and have it equally recognized and respected is no where to be found there. You guessed it. If your unmarried partner dies without a will – no way.

Caveat: New Hampshire legalized gay marriage this June. However, this does nothing to change the state intestacy laws. Those who for whatever reason are unable to (loss of social security benefits from a former spouse) or don’t want to marry are still in the same boat. So, Congratulations, New Hampshire? Hmmm…not quite sure how to react here. No love. So since unmarried people in New Hampshire are not living free, is death their only other choice?